Delicious Ambiguity

sometimes it just get's to you

2008-08-13T20:37:00.000-07:00

After having a tearful emotional break down last night, Todd asked me what was wrong...let me count the ways is usually what I say; however, this time nothing was REALLY wrong. I mean sure I have to do the seating chart (which actually is not a big deal) and finish up some last minute things but other than that nothing "weddingish" is really "wrong". Sure work is pissing me off per usual and tonight my hair was green (I don't joke about serious things like this)...but nothing is so wrong that I should cry...yet I have been. I guess sometimes it just gets to you. What "it" is, I'm not sure...but it got to me and I've been having break downs.

I'M GETTING MARRIED IN 10 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok so it is bed time and i should get my sleep ;-)

At Work

2008-06-24T13:11:00.001-07:00

Yes I'm at work...all done with my work and I'm sitting here by myself so I decided to blog a bit.

Lately life has been hectic/stressful/demanding/weird.

I'll be glad when I'm married...not that the process wasn't fun, it was actually a blast. The hardest/most stressful part was the guest list, invitations, and soon the seating chart. Some of my guests have been taking advantage of their invitation and inviting other people along with them...if their are extra people I will be seating those ones out in the hall...promise ;-) Call me bridzilla (haha) but at boocoo bucks a person I've invited those that I wanted to share our special day with...not joe shmo who I don't know...SHEESH! Where'd you get your social skills? at the toilet store?????

Todd's Mom is finally out of the hospital after a 3-4 week stay...this is such a blessing, let's hope it stays this way and that she is finally feeling better!!! I also hope she can make it to the shower!

Our last pre-marital counseling session was Saturday. It was a wonderful experience that we both enjoyed. It helped us see our similarities and also our differences. Sometimes when you are sooooooooooooooo in love it is hard to embrace the differences and realize that that is a good thing and that's how God made it. We also have been conscious of what and how we act to each other...it was great...I recommend pre-marital counseling to everyone!!!

I had my last dress fitting...yes it fits ;-) I love it. It is very different from a typical "wedding dress" yet it is still elegant and freakin' awesome! And I even have boobs in it...this, my friends, is my secret ;-) hahahahaha

OK well it is now time to go home. This was a nice vent session and I thank you!!!!

Bad Blogger

2008-06-10T19:43:00.001-07:00

I'm beginning...or in the midst of being a bad blogger.

I use to do it almost daily; however, since life has begun it has been getting harder to even find time to stay sane.

Has anyone every read "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day"?...well if I had a book for last week I'd name it "Amanda and the Terrible, Horrible, Awful, Stressful, Suck Ass No Good Very Bad Week" (yes suck ass is a light term for last week).
1.) Todd's Mom is sick in the hospital and we went home to visit her 2 weekends ago
2.) Todd left his key's in Windber after we drove 2.5 hours to Harrisburg from Windber...we drove back home that same night, stayed the night and drove back Monday morning
3.) Tuesday I was on the phone with AT&T for 5 hours because they are slightly idiots just to change accounts around from my parents to Todd's
3.) Wednesday we decide to move large sums of money via internet banking (we'll get to the bad part in the next 2 numbers)
4.) Thursday was the eye doctor in which I was unable to pay for my appointment due to insufficient funds (we did my banking the night before and I knew! I had $$)
5.) Went to the bank and find out that I am in the hole at my bank thousands of dollars because our internet banking went haywire
6.) Sammy (my soon-to-be adoptive doggy daughter) had to get surgery on Friday

...No I did not make any of this up...but yes this week is better

It has been so stressful lately I forgot how much I want to get married to this man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unfortunately we have to deal with other stuff surrounding our lives, around our wedding, but everyone has stuff to deal with. It will only make us stronger.

We got out our wedding invitations today. I appreciate so much Mom, Dad, Todd, and my G'ma put them together this weekend when Todd was home. All that I had to do was some writing, stuffing, and labeling!!!!

This weekend I had my first bridal shower as well! 3 girls from work are all getting married within a month from each other (crazy right?) and the ladies from work threw a shower for us. They're so nice!!!!!!!!!!!! It was a lot of fun and Todd and I got a start to our new kitchen! (well I think he's just envisioning good food being prepared in the cool kitchen ;-)

That's all for now...perhaps I'll continue to blog, it may help the stress.

Time Has Past

2008-05-14T19:25:00.000-07:00

Well about a month has past since my last post. I have done a ton of things and have yet to blog on them so in a quick blurb, here is my current life...

- went on a cruise to the Bahama's!!!!! It was fantabulous and I recommend cruises to anyone who wants to have a good time in an exotic place on a limited budget with close to zero responsibility once you're on the boat!
- moved apartments. I moved into the apartment that Todd and I will live in once we are married. It is nice, less bugs but I've got ants (better than the infestation of rolly bugs), big and I've already taken over! (I will have to purge before Todd moves in)
- Brenda got married. She is the first of 3 weddings I am in (including my own) this year. It was awesome and she was absolutely BEAUTIFUL. Once she gets pictures I will post them (I did not bring a camera...stupid right??)

In the upcoming months:
- My seester is graduating!!! She's going to Messiah next year and I'm totally stoked to have her living close to me!
- 2 bridal showers for me in June and July
- I'll be turning 25...that is 1/4th of a century by the way. I think I've already had my quarter-life crisis when I turned 22. That age I felt like I had no excuse for doing stupid stuff once I was no longer 21 (although I did continue to do stupid things once I was 22...it was at that age that I stopped doing most of the stupid things I did).
- Last but certainly not least I will be marrying my best friend in the entire world. The man who has stolen my heart and laid it safely with his. He knows me in and out, no secrets, no lies, no inhibitions...he is it and I thank God that He put me in Todd's life.

Freedom of Speech

2008-03-17T17:22:00.000-07:00

So I'm watching this celebrity expose on some station that I don't normally watch because I was sick of flipping through the stations. It is about Rosie O'Donnell. I'm not bothered by too many things. She's obnoxious and possibly crazy, I'll give her that but let's be honest I don't care! Who cares what she says or what she does. If it doesn't impact your life in any way shape or form why does anyone care?

Just like Tom Cruise and Brittney Spears...they're insane but why does anyone know or care? Take James Dean, Judy Garland, Marilyn Monroe (she died on my birthday), and SOOOO many others back then. What saved their reputations was the limitations the media had back then. Everyone has issues, it just so happends that these peoples problems/opinions/actions are highlighted for everyone to see and I think because of this they tend to be more obnoxious/irradic because...they can, we let them and we as a society feed off of it. So many people got fired at the hospital Brittney was at because they were willing to risk their career to see "what Brittney was up to now". Good for you, you morons, I hope this comes back to haunt you.

Sure they have choices, look at Billy Crystal, Bill Cosby, Denzel Washington, and Angela Bassett. Awesome people, outstanding citizens, and they have taking their fame and directed it for good. So thank you to the stars who have not used fame as an excuse for stupidity :-)

Kick lifes...

2008-02-20T17:19:00.000-08:00

::Note: for those who do not like made up words or vulgarities this post is not for you::

So today sucked...let's be honest, some days, hell some weeks just suck. This week and this day sucks, thankfully today will be over in a couple hours and this week will end with a 10 hour work day (in which I do not get overtime/comptime for). I cannot tell you all the various ways life has shat on me this week but just believe me when I tell you.

Work has especially been nice and bitchulicious recently...so much so I almost threw the towel in today. It's amazing to think how so much shit can go on and NOTHING is done about it and when something is getting done about something, it's asinine and stupid. So this threw highly flammable materials on my already flaming fire...slightly mushroom cloudage.

As my bad attitude was incinerating in the fire, I was paged to see a patient. This 90 year old man changed my day and possibly the rest of my life. I still am unsure why he wanted to see me because he somehow knew everything I was going to tell him and already followed it (and this time I believed the patient because he was telling me about the diet). After about 1/2 hour of discussing the diet, his life, my life, he told me something that will stick with me...

"You will go so far in life but don't let people run over you, be kind, kick life's ass, and have fun!!!"

Yes...go far in life because you can and you want to
Don't let people step on you because you won't go far
Being kind to people allows others to respect you which in turn allows you to go far
Kick ass in life...self explanatory...hence going far
And definitely have fun...how else can you kick life's ass??????

He also said that God gives you what you need but it is our job to DO IT.

So although my day sucked ass it also kicked ass ;-) God allowed me to meet this man to speak through him when I was feeling worthless, angry and bitter.

:-)

A place...

2008-01-14T19:10:00.000-08:00

to call my own...

My lease runs out in April and somewhere between then and now I must find a new place to live. I pay everything but my right opposing thumb in rent and I'm sick of it. That leads me to my next rant.

This past weekend I again ventured into the eye opening city of New York. Every time I go there it is a new adventure and realizations. This realization came when Todd, his brother, his brother's fiancee and I went on a carriage ride through the city at midnight. The streets were much more quiet than they were at the beginning of the day; however, there was something so unsettling. As we passed St. Thomas' church I looked over and saw about 7 homeless men and women making their bed for the night. I gazed in amazement at the normality these people portrayed...like this was something comfortable for them. Tears streamed down my face as I saw a long line waiting to receive blankets from a school bus, run by what looked like college students. Here I was thinking about how much money we were spending in the city and there they were just trying to survive the night under the second hand blankets received just down the block.

The next day we were in quite an expensive store for make up, perfume, girlie stuff, when I looked over and saw a man wearing what he owned on his back, spraying men's cologne all over his body. As I looked and took in what was happening in front of me Todd rubbed my arm and took this site in too. The upper middle class men and women continued on their shopping around the man trying on the new cologne for the day. It was like they looked right through him...like he was a no body.

I'd like to know how the richest country in the world...the country, who is tied with England, that spends more on pet food in a year than some make in a year...can justify this. I spent $4.95 on a chocolate chip cookie that tasted like ass. Is that so necessary?

With the up and coming election, I wonder what the presidential candidates think about the rising homeless population, food insecurity, and the mix of both. Forget rising gas prices, the economy, and who Obama's great grand father from his uncle's side twice removed is...HOW ARE YOU GOING TO HELP THE INJUSTICES OF OUR COUNTRY????

I'd for one like to hear the answer: "I'm not sure but I'm hell bent on finding out"...who ever says that first gets my vote (that is unless it's Hilary...yeah I just got political!)

Delving over this issue in my head I'm confident in saying that it is not only the government's job, but it is our job, as United States citizens, to help our brother and sister. My New Years resolution is just that, it is a resolution to help my brothers and sisters out wherever needed.

Take a look and if it so moves you they are always looking for volunteers:
http://www.bethesda-mission.org/

Being Engaged

2008-01-06T20:27:00.000-08:00

I enjoy being engaged. I did not think it would be much different than having a "boyfriend" but it really is. Although talking about marriage while your dating is cool, you're never really certain about marriage until he "pops the question". Then a totally different chapter in your life begins.

Engagement is such an important time in the process of being a "married couple" because I think it makes the transition more smooth. Instead of thinking of yourself for your future, you begin thinking of him for your future. Instead of having to rely on yourself you have to begin relying on him. Without this time to transition I don't know how a marriage would work. It took me a while to realize that it's not only me anymore.

I never was a very selfish person. The oldest of three children and the middle child in a larger extended family it is hard to be "selfish". I didn't realize how selfish...or perhaps self reliant I really am. Driving home tonight (driving is the biggest thinking catalyst) I realized that I no longer am fully "myself"...I am making the transition into the "two-becomes-one" and it's happening before we say "I do!".

It's weird for me. Don't get me wrong, I kinda like the feeling. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've never felt comfortable with someone so much to fully trust in my future with them...and now I'm GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!! He takes my future and makes it alive and I've never experienced that :-)

So in 228 days I will marry my best friend and merge my self reliant life with another life, but not without a transition. Amen for being engaged ;-)

Peace Out 2007 -- Bring on 2008!!!

2008-01-02T18:11:00.000-08:00

You know, I was going to do one of those survey things that gives an explanation of what went on in 2007 but instead here goes:
Feb: lost a close family friend, got frost bite
March: went through tons of medical tests, got a new job
April: moved to Harrisburg, started my new job, lived by myself for the first time ever
June: bought a kayak <3
August: turned 24
September: got engaged!!!!
December: went home and had Christmas with my family :-)

My hopes for the year to come include organizing my life (hah), planning a wedding, marrying my best friend, and beginning a life in Christ with Todd...yesssssssssssssssss <3

These are a Few of My Favorite Things

2007-12-17T04:29:00.000-08:00

In the Christmas spirit I decided to do one of my infamous lists.
These are a few of my favorite things:

Steelers fans...even when we lose a Steelers fan will say "We'll get'em next week guys"
Ice...as cold and crappy as it may be, it's still beautiful
Getting Christmas cards
Warm blankets
Sunday afternoon naps
Bed Bath and Beyond...customer service rocks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Getting paid
Christmas lights and the people who put them up
Dreaming of living with Todd one day and having a place to call home
100 calorie hostess packs...mmmmmm
Homemade taco salads
Hot chocolate on a cold day
Being in love

Hoookay I must go. I'm hoping and praying that my clinic today is cancelled buuuut I won't know until I get to work...errumph

Until next time kiddo's...keep it real ;-)

Decision making

2007-11-27T19:37:00.001-08:00

I've made my decision and here I am. Converted from xanga to here.

Steelers game last night was ridiculous...thank goodness we can blame it on the field...

I feel totally and utterly unorganized with my life...sure I always am but I'm so busy I can't get things done not only in life but at work. I'm not paid enough to work 10 hours a day and like it. I basically have a full time and part time job all mixed into one. After work I go to the gym until late then until I get home I can fathom doing anything else but sleep or do mindless things. I think a lot of it is being busy and stressed at the same time. You can be busy and not stressed and vise versa but with the combo it's not cool.

Tomorrow is a different day; however, it is filled with more work than I can deal with, meeting with a travel agent for a trip we can't afford, and going out to dinner with a wonderful woman who is leaving work. Ahhhh I am so blessed and yet I'm complaining.

Lord help me to chill out, appreciate the little things, be blessed for the overabundance that I have, and give me strength.

Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T19:33:00.000-08:00

This Thanksgiving I am thankful for (heartfelt):

1. Jesus Christ: His strength, peace, hope, love, and never ending comfort
2. My family: through thick, thin, happy, or sad they are with me 'till the end
3. Todd: my pillar, best friend, confidant, strong hold, love of my life, encourager...I love you forever. I cannot wait until August 23rd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4. My friends: some far, some near, always in my heart and always thankful for what they have taught me, given me, and guided me through
5. My church family: for encouragement, prayers, cards, hugs, laughter, and love
6. Memories: people may come and go but you'll always have their memory in your heart forever
7. My patients: teaching me daily what it means to feel blessed

This Thanksgiving I am thankful for (funny):
1. My job: without it...well let's just say I'm thankful for a job
2. My white stallion: no car compares to you, even with your rust spots and vibrating steering wheel
3. Bills: as long as I'm paying bills I know I'm still wanted in life
4. Cold weather: definitely makes you appreciate spring every year!
5. Finally living by myself: farting, being naked, pooping with the bathroom door open, turning up the heat as high as I want it, and watching whatever channel on the TV I like is glorious!
6. The Windber Hotel: even though it is like a God-forsaken class reunion from hell, it is actually pretty nice inside and should be pretty classy when the whole thing is finished!
7. Space heaters: it can heat up my bedroom without my entire apartment being an incinerator

This Thanksgiving is full of so many things to be thankful for and I'm especially thankful for peace in my heart and hope for the future.

So Much, So Late

2007-11-08T19:59:00.000-08:00

Hooookay...recap of thoughts and feelings throughout the week..

1. Stillers kicked the crap out of Baltimore...for all you raven's fans out there...find a new team without a track record
2. This week has been slightly hellish...thank goodness tomorrow is Friday
3. I'm avoiding MRSA at the gym (read about the epidemics on college campuses?). I religiously wash my hands (more than I normally do) after the gym...sweaty men carry germs
4. Last night I ran out of gas on 322 in Harrisburg...traffic suicide. Luckily my night in shining armor (actually it was athletic shorts and a light jacket) came to my rescue.
5. After the scary car episode I found out that my gas tank is leaking more gas than I thought it was and when I turn the steering wheel (it had been doing this for months), my wheels rumble/vibrate...I think that means it's done. Todd's going to get it estimated for me and then we'll see if my white stallion is totalled...I LOVE YOU SUBY!!!!!
6. Since we've got a wedding to pay for and other expenses that come with living in Harrisburg, we're hoping I don't need a new car and that white stallion will pull through.
7. White stallion...you were honored in this email by having 4 numbers associated with you. Pull through my little AWD 4 door sedan tank...mommy loves you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With that said I must clock out for the night

Death is Selfish

2007-10-30T20:25:00.000-07:00

My doctor since I was 18 passed away yesterday. He was with me through all my medical crisis', diagnosis', trials, and questioning. He knew me literally inside and out and he is gone...

...just like that.

Too young, not old enough to have experienced grandchildren, retirement, see his practice take off.

I prayed that God would provide a miracle for him to recover. How selfish of me. How inconsiderate that was. Whew just when you think you couldn't get any more crappy...ooops I did it again.

When Jesus had to bring Lazarus back from the dead; the shortest verse of the Bible reads "Jesus wept." I don't think he cried because Lazarus had died...no, in fact I think he wept because He had to bring him back to this hell hole we call earth. He had to bring him back into pain, sickness, hunger, sleeplessness, sadness, anger, hate, greed, war...Jesus cried because He knew how it felt to go from God's presence overwhelming, to earth where His presence is lacking. I then cried when I came to this realization of death being so selfish. Mary and Martha wanted their brother back...selfish. I want my doctor back, I want my uncle back, I want my grandfather back, I want my patients back...selfish. Jesus wanted Lazarus home, Jesus wants us home...unselfish.

Death is such a hard concept for me to deal with, understand, and get over. Soberly I try and wrap my mind around the unseen...the "God" part of death. I will try to understand that, although I will miss them when they're gone, God also missed them when they were gone from His presence and He called them home to be in paradise.

RIP Dr. Beres...you were a wonderful doctor and an amazing man. Thank you for all you did for me. I will keep pushing along.

::John 11::

Thank You Jesus for taking us home when it is our time.

Possibly Changing

2007-10-28T20:17:00.000-07:00

I have a xanga account. But being that I've had it for soooo long (almost 3 years), I have decided to see if I'd like a change. Blogspot seemed to be a good change and seems nice so we'll see.

Todd and I read about Jonah tonight at our "Bible study"...he is very sceptical...I was before, almost questioning my faith in college. I have no decided that even if it is a folk tale...it's a darn good story and my faith will not be wavered because of the story...it is a good story with a good point and regardless...God loves us so much.

Tomorrow can't be Monday...it just can't. I refuse to think that 2 days in a weekend goes as fast as 1/2 of a day at work...it is ridiculous and think that it is totally asinine :-)

Bo-Sox are beating the Rockies...I was routing for Colorado for the simple fact that they haven't been douche bags! Manny Ramirez makes me want to pull the do-rag over his eyes and glue his helmet on to his head!!!!

Enough for now, it is bed time and I like it.